My Real Day to Day

Here I am, my one year wedding anniversary is approaching {YAY} and I was actually packing up moving boxes as we prepare to move into our first home.  As I was wrapping up all of these beautiful wedding gifts and placing them in boxes I enjoyed reflecting on memories of each of the persons that Zack and I have been blessed by not only during our life together, but throughout the years growing up as well.  To all of you that did give us a wedding gift, I really treasure them and those memories I was able to experience the other day.

When I was finished packing up as much as I could without encroaching on our necessities, {apparently the DVD player was a necessity...sorry sweetheart! :)}  I felt AMAZING.  Most of you are probably thinking...um why?  Moving is supposed to be stressful isn't it?!  That's definitely not why I felt amazing because this is all very stressful and overwhelming and I hate putting all of my belongings in boxes and my hands being black from wrapping everything in newspaper.  I felt AMAZING because it wasn't my usual.  At all.

My usual is actual less exciting and a little more surprising.  I'm not very open about my usual and sometimes I play it off with laughs and smiles.  But my usual can be painful.  So blogging world here begins my point.

My every day starts with listening to Zack hit snooze 4 times and eventually pushing him out of the bed so he isn't late...literally.  I then fall back asleep and wake up when I feel like it, usually around 8:30 or 9.  Then I roll over, grab my phone and check Facebook, Instagram, Website stats, about 15-25 emails, TimeHop {love that app}, Facebook again, Instagram again, Zulily, then the weather.  I can feel the judgement...it gets worse.  Paisley then pulls me out of bed...almost literally and we go eat breakfast, dog food for her, smoothies or pancakes for me.  We curl up on the couch together and watch the Today Show, the Live with Kelly & Michael, then Channel 5 News, Flip My Food, and an HBO movie.  Somewhere in there I eat lunch, maybe a salad or leftovers from the night before.

It's 3:00 which means it's time for Ellen, and then it's 4:00 so I watch the news again, and then OH SNAP let me clean up so it looks like I wasn't this lazy when Zack gets off work.  The door unlocks and he is home so I start cooking dinner, we eat, we watch our nightly show, chit chat, then clock strikes 10:30 and it's time for bed.    AND REPEAT.


Now I KNOW you are thinking, you are literally the laziest person I know...and you know what I could very well be lazy.  But the sad and scary part is, I hate every second of it because it's not driven by not wanting to do anything.  It's driven by the fact that I have struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember.  The counseling and medication started probably 14 years ago and it's been a long bumpy road since.  Now I have been on and off medicine, and I have good years and bad years.  If you have this terrible disease you know what I'm talking about.

A few months ago I hit an all time low.  I was having panic attack that were causing sharp chest pains, extreme fatigue, and some days, I literally struggled to breathe.  This is when the above quoted routine kicked in.  It took me months to realize what was going on.  But I finally went for help after almost having to go to the ER for not getting enough oxygen.  Three doctors and a lot of nervous energy later, what's the culprit??  Anxiety and depression...why was I even shocked?  Because I was in denial.  Who wants to admit that? Who wants to be medicated for that?  No one.  It's that simple.  No one.

But it's better.  It's brighter.  I spent the other day packing moving boxes.  I spent today cleaning out my garage for my sweet Zack.  I do yoga on Tuesday nights.  I got a new part time job to get me out of the house when photography can't.  I have a ladies bible study, and a 20 something's bible study for Zack and I.  It's great.  It's still hard.  Making the step to get out of bed is easier.  Turning off the TV and finding something new is easier.  It's still a struggle.  It probably always will be, but it's easier.  I can breathe.  I have support from 3 different groups of wonderful Godly people.  I am married to a man who has to pull me through life some days, but he does it so graciously.  {If any of you need advice or help being married to someone like this...ask him.  He is an answered prayer.}

My God is so good and He has done so much for me through moving to Olive Branch and through the simple tasks of packing boxes and cleaning a garage.  If He can get me off the couch, He can move you too.  SO here is to change, here is to life, here is to love, and here is to loving life...even when it's hard to even get up.

P.S.  This change in me inspired me to really change....my hair!  I said adios to 8-10 inches, I don't know, and it feels AMAZING. :)

Loving Perspective

Some of you may not know this about me, but sunglasses are my vice.  I love them. When I was in high school I had a bucket of sunglasses...there were probably about 15 pair inside.  They really are the perfect accessory!  Well, over the years they have dwindled and I have rediscovered my love for snazzy shades.  Pictured are my new ones, and the best part is that the lenses are shaped like hearts!  I mean really, how can you have a bad day with these bad boys on your face?!  Anyways, I spend a fair amount of time driving in my car considering I live about 25 minutes outside of town and I'm having to go back and forth to Jackson now almost regularly for parties and showers for my upcoming May wedding.

Over the past week or so I have heard the same song on the radio what feels like 5000 times!  I listen to K-LOVE every day pretty much constantly so when this happens I can't help but take it as a sign from my sweet Daddy upstairs.  What song?  Let Them See You by the JJ Weeks Band.  As some of you may know, the D.J.s on this radio station sometimes will give you a background on why the song was written and what it really means.  I love this song.  Absolutely everything about it.  The artist wrote this song as a personal prayer for every time he performs...but can't we all apply this to what we individually do every day?  His main prayer is for everyone he reaches with his music and his life to see God, hear God, and know God's love through his every action.  WOW what a prayer.  I want those around me to see my Father in every single thing that I do.  I want them to feel His love.  I want them to see His grace.  I don't want them to see ME, because I am nothing without Christ and if it is me that they see, then I don't have Christ living in me...in my heart.  

I was irritated and tired earlier this week and I just couldn't stop being negative and complaining and Zack pulled me aside and reminded me that "our forgiveness and love is what shows others the true nature of our hearts."  First of all, could I be any luckier to have a man who isn't afraid to set me straight and who is strong enough to lead me in my Father's ways when I'm falling a little behind?  Ladies, don't get offended if a guy ever holds you accountable or points out something that you are doing that doesn't give Christ the glory.  That my friends is a real man and those are the men all the single ladies should be waiting for.  Men, lead your ladies.  Period. 

With Zack saying what he said to me and that song coming on the radio pretty much every time I got in the car, I thought about my life and what I can do to let Daddy shine through.  So today as I'm riding down the road with my sunglasses promptly on my nose, I had a thought...kinda silly, but a thought nonetheless.  "I get to look through happy hearts every day with these sunglasses!  How can you not be happy when you're looking through these things?!"  While I thoroughly amused myself, I also reminded myself that abiding in Christ is kind of like wearing my happy heart glasses!  How can I not be happy when I look through these eyes and see what all my God has made with His very hands, when I see all of the blessings I have received, when I feel the love that surrounds me, when I feel His comfort in my times of pain and need.  

How can I not be happy?!

And furthermore, how can I not radiate and share that happiness!?  Why should I keep it to myself?  So my prayer for today and every day is for my Father to let all of those around me to see Him in everything I do, hear Him in every word I speak, and feel Him through the love that I give. May I remember that His grace IS enough and that is truly all I need.  May everything beyond that be counted as a blessing which I am so very thankful for.

"This is the day that the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it!"

Psalm 118:24

A Broken World

Today my heart broke.

No worries, Zack and I are still getting married.  He didn't break my heart, the brokenness in this world broke my heart.  For years one of my regular prayers has been, "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours."  This is in fact a prayer that He has answered on numerous occasions.  I find my heart breaking for the lost dog on the side of the road; for the child in my classroom who I know goes home to a loveless building; for those in other parts of the world who don't even know their Heavenly Father's name.  Today my heart broke for those I see walking around my campus filled with hate.

I remember growing up, my parents always told me not to use the word hate because it was a very powerful.  I never understood that statement until recently.  I can honestly say that there is nothing or no one that I hate in this world.  There have been circumstances in my life that have been extremely painful which were brought upon me by myself and individuals who did use hate.  But I can't hate them.  I hurt for the hateful.  I have realized that to hate something or someone is to wish the absolute worst onto it/them.  Where there is hate, there is no good...just as where there is darkness there can be no light.  For those I know and don't know that have hate in their hearts, my heart is broken and I cry and pray. 

During my time here at Ole Miss there have been a number of "hate crimes."  People who have meant no harm have been hurt by hate either physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  One of the most recent events was the defacing of the James Meredith statue on our campus.  Three individuals chose to project their hatred on a symbol and a person who embodies the very essence of forgiveness, strength, and courage.  James Meredith, even for me, symbolizes hope and the promise of a bright future.  Someone chose to deface that.  It breaks my heart.  This is not what this post is about however.

What I witnessed today was a group of people not committing a crime, but a group of people living in a very dark world.  There are days when I get angry and I don't want to do what I am supposed to.  There are days where I dislike situations and even find myself disliking people.  That is wrong of me, but I am being honest.  However, there is never a day where I am full of hate.  Hate for others, hate for authority, hate for even myself.  That is what I saw today.

As I was sitting and helping Zack with a written assignment (I'm the writer in the pair), a young woman walked past me to her normal area where her and her friends usually sit.  She was obviously upset about something and I wish I could un-hear everything I heard.  She stated, "I --- hate her.  I wish someone would violently rape her."  It took everything for me not to say something as I wiped away a tear.  How could someone wish something so terrible on someone they probably don't even know?  There is no excuse for that sort of hatred.  I would say I was curious so I continued to listen, but I was pretty much forced to since her and her "friends" practically imposed their conversations on those of us surrounding them.  I was in shock.  This group of people had nothing kind to say...out of the 15 minutes I was sitting there, they were degrading each other, using the foulest of language, and being so incredibly vulgar and inappropriate that I couldn't stand it anymore and decided to relocate.

But it really hit me.  There are people in our very city, neighborhood, and schools who are hurting.  My dad always told me that hurting people hurt people.  They were hurting each other...those they called their friends and it was okay...it was normal!  That is the problem with our world!  We don't care who we hurt...we let selfishness and hate take over and say (forgive me), "to hell with anyone who gets in our way!"  WHY??  I do wish I had said something...I wish I could have.  I alone did not have the courage or strength to say anything.  Who knows what would have happened.  From what I could tell confrontation was going to get me no where with this group.  However, I can still pray for them.  I do not know their names, and some of them I don't even know their faces.  But I do know that our Father created them and loves them all the same.  And we should too...not just them, but all of those around us.

So I pray that He comes and through us will build His kingdom here.  Let the light within us, his Holy Spirit, shine so bright and chase away the darkness of this world.  We cannot do it alone, but together and with Christ as our anchor, we can most definitely change the world.

Let this be our prayer:  Build Your Kingdom Here by Rend Collective

Going to the Chapel...Well Not Exactly

Oh the engaged life.  Needless to say...it's a trip.
People ask you a thousand questions, you make a thousand more phone calls, and make even more decisions. What color dresses? What flavor cake? Who do you invite? Heels? Flats? Long veil? No veil?
Can anyone blame a bride for being exhausted?!

However, there is one question I've gotten asked that will get more of an answer than, "guess you'll have to wait and see!"  Zack and I have decided to take an untraditional route and get married in the grove here at Ole Miss. If you've ever been to our campus during the spring time you know exactly why someone might. It's not your typical Saturday covered in tents kind of grove. It's a peaceful place of pure beauty. A place that makes me feel at home 200 miles away. One of the questions we have gotten is "Why not in a church, why on a Sunday?" I guess that's 2 questions...doesn't matter.

Here is my answer. I just recently figured it out, by the way. :)

Let's tackle the Sunday part first.  For Zack and I, marriage is not just a must do because you're in love or it's the next step kind of thing. It was created by God, for God. Our sole purpose is to use our relationship to to push each other towards our Heavenly Father and for us, as two becoming one, to bring Him the utmost glory. We want our marriage to be completely centered and focused on Him. We pray that our ceremony will be seen as what it is, a simple act of worship. (My parents would probably laugh at the use of the word simple here!) Now by all means if you get married on a Saturday I am in no way saying you are bringing God less glory.  A Saturday wedding just isn't our style. It's not how we envision it. It is our act of worship and everyone has their own way of worshipping.

Now for the non-traditional setting. Yes we are members of a church here in Oxford. It's actually our rain plan. But it's not where my heart wants to be on May 18, 2014. Church is not defined by the walls in which our worshipping is held. Plain and simple. Church is the body of Christ coming together to praise the One who gives us life. For me I feel closet to God, not in Church, but in the midst of His very creation. On my wedding day I want to be in a place where I feel the most connected to His love and mercy. He takes my breath away every time I step outside. I'm overwhelmed with His presence and in complete awe when I see the world around me. On the day that I make my vows to Zack and we make our covenant with God, I want to be immersed in His creation while surrounded by the love of all of those who have encouraged, prayed, and loved us through the beginning of our life long journey. That's why we, or I at least, chose the grove.

The other day I stood in the very spot where I will say "I do," "I will," and "I love you more than I love myself." I will not only be making a promise to Zack but a promise to God saying that I will love both of them with everything I have.  With Zack I will serve the One true God until my last breath.  I was overcome with joy, peace, hope, and excitement.  I was humbled by the thought that just over 24 years ago God sent to this Earth a man made especially for me. Someone who I can glorify my Father with.

Bright Lights

Every day I sit around and live my life...going to work, hanging out with friends, just living.  Every now and then I turn on the news or catch the latest Hollywood gossip and all I can think about is how dark of a world we are living in.  One second a 25 year old is ending their life because of a multitude of chemicals inside of their system, and the next second another person's life was ended by another.  It's honestly why I never turn on the news much.  I know it is important to keep up with what's going on around me, but sometimes its just too overwhelming.  

What do we have to do with this?  

What can we do about this?  

There is an answer...SHINE!

Before I continue on with my thoughts, I encourage you to listen to the attached song by one of my favorite artists.  It comes from one of my favorite verses that I have written almost everywhere (even on my computer)!

"You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill that cannot be hidden."

Matthew 5:14

We Are 

Kari Jobe

Every secret, every shame
Every fear, every pain
Live inside the dark
But that's not who we are
We are children of the day
So wake up sleeper, lift your head
We were meant for more than this
Fight the shadows conquer death
Make the most of the time we have left
We are the light of the world
We are the city on a hill
We are the light of the world
We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine
We are the light of the world
We are the city on a hill
We are the light of the world
We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine
Let the light shine, let the light shine
We are called to the spread the news
Tell the world the simple truth
Jesus came to save, there's freedom in His Name
So let it all break through
We are the light of the world
We are the city on a hill
We are the light of the world
We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine
We are the light of the world
We are the city on a hill
We are the light of the world
We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine

I don't know about you, but I feel so empowered after hearing this song and reading the lyrics.  I listen to it all the time and I even do a little happy dance when we get the chance to sing it in church!  We all that we are only guaranteed today and never more than that.  We never know how long or how short our lives may be.  But what will your life say about you?  

WE ARE a light...for Christ.  Darkness hides from light and the two cannot be in the same place at once.  What this world needs is light!  Not literal light...we have plenty of that via the sun and light bulbs.  We need God's light that is shining in all of us to radiate.  This is the wildfire that we NEED to spread.  He has called us to share this light with those around us. 

"GO therefore and make disciples of ALL nations baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.  And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

Matthew 28:19-20

Our world needs our lights...HIS light.

Diamonds...Diamonds...Diamonds

Now that I have hit the ripe young age of 21, all of my friends seem to be getting married and my Facebook news feed is covered in all sorts of diamond rings.  Not to mention I work with a wedding photographer and get to those rings too!  I almost feel like I'm suffocating in weddings and diamonds sometimes!!  So as my life revolves a lot around weddings these days as I'm helping friends plan theirs and working at others, I usually block out any kind of advertisement involving wedding this or wedding that.

However, the other day I heard a jewelry store's advertisement for engagement rings on the radio and happened to turn this one up.  NO, not because I was interested in their rings, but because I was almost infuriated by what they were saying! I actually found myself yelling at my car radio! (I will not say the name of the company...mainly because I can't remember!)

The commercial went on to say (I'm paraphrasing and this is in no way verbatim), "Do you have a special someone in your life?  Buy her a ring for Blah Blah Jewelers and she will know how much you love her.  So many times we have customers come into our stores to tell us their stories about how wonderful their life is because of the ring he chose.  If you choose one of our fine Blah Blah carat engagement ring, she will be sure to realize how much you really do care for her, after all, she'll know that you spent plenty of money and time picking out such a quality piece.  I know that if you buy her this high value/quality ring from our store, your marriage will end up much better.  Because when you choose the right ring, you're choosing future happiness and a longer marriage for your future!"

Wait what?! Are you kidding me?! Am I the only one who is disturbed by this advertising "garbage??"

Unfortunately, the above was not exaggerated and the man in so many words said that your marriage will be happier and last longer if you pick the right ring for your lady....

Marriage is not about what ring your man could or could not afford or even if he thought for more than 5 minutes on what ring to buy you.  As a girl who is not married or engaged, the only thing I would ever hope for is a man who knows that they DON'T need a ring to earn my love for them and that ANY ring that they give me would be more than enough.  I hate that our society has become so materialistic that even the institution and relationship of a marriage has become so watered down and convoluted that it's hardly about our God who made it anymore!

Marriage is about LOVE.  Without love it is IMPOSSIBLE for two sinners be joined in marriage.  And again, not society's definition of love...God's definition....

"Love is patient and kind; love does NOT envy or boast; it is NOT arrogant or rude.  It does NOT insist on its own way; it is NOT irritable or resentful; it does NOT rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Marriage is a beautiful gift from God.  It is a union based on the love and community of our God.  It is sacred and personal.  It is two people working together to bring glory to our Lord.  It is not about how big your house is, how much your spouse makes, or WHAT RING YOU HAVE!

I'm sorry for the rant, but its heartbreaking to see our world move farther away from God...the creator of ALL things...and more towards worshiping the THINGS that God created.  YOU can be the light.  YOU can be the change.  Thank God for the THINGS he has blessed you with, but don't put those things higher than they really are.  

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:19-21

Stuck in the Same Routine

Does it ever seem like your days are literally slipping through your fingers and no matter how much you did or didn't do…absolutely nothing was accomplished and you just feel drained? Then you ask, where's the coffee? where's the energy drink?  is it time for bed yet?
Sometimes I'm just tired of the repetition of every single day.

Wake up
Take a shower
Eat breakfast
Wonder what to do
Weigh the possibilities of what to do
Dread doing the things you have to do (laundry, clean,…pick your poison)
Make dinner
Go to bed

REPEAT

This really more applies to me during the school year when I have loads of  homework that has to be done or another wedding to edit.  Life just seems draining.  And those are the good days!  What about the days when you start out by waking up late, you wake up sick, you burn your finger on something, or in other words anything that could go wrong will go wrong. 

I have felt really convicted lately because I have found myself getting stuck in a routine.  Doing or not doing the same things over and over again.  Why you ask?  It's never really the same reason.  Sometimes I want to watch a movie, other times I want just five more minutes of sleep, sometimes I simply want to avoid the gas station even if that means sitting on my rear end and not doing anything all day. 

The problem with all of this is that how many times do I stop and "smell the roses"?  How many times do I use that wasted time to do things that would better suit my spirit or my time.  How many times do I sit there and complain about a wrong in my life or this world and don't do anything about it. 

I have found most recently that this extra time, this free time can be so better used.  Instead of sitting here twiddling my thumbs…how about reading into God's word.  (And I'm not talking about just taking a glimpse at YouVersion's verse of the day.)  I'm talking about really thinking about what God's words can say to you TODAY or in this moment. 

Let's all be honest, (remember I do this too), how many times do we check Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, only to check it in 5 minutes to see what else may have popped up in someone else's life.  I do it ALL THE TIME.  "I'm bored!  Let's see how much more interesting everyone else's life is!"  When in reality it only makes me feel much worse. 

So here is a challenge…to you AND definitely me.  Use those moments of spare time.  Take a day where you aren't constantly relying on what the internet can tell you about someone else and how awesome their day seems to be.  Open your bible.  Take a look at what God has to tell you today.  He really does make for a GREAT conversation partner! :)
I've found that the more time I spend with God, the more I have days where things don't seem so mundane.  I have more days where I go to sleep satisfied.  We were meant for community and ESPECIALLY a community with him.  Find that relationship, revive that relationship, awaken that relationship.  It really is a great one.

I guess the point of this post, like most of them, is to just share a thought.  My thought today (hopefully it wasn't lost in this huge pile of words) was that more and more I find myself completely tapped out because of the routine of every day life.  But I have discovered that the solution isn't what else can I do, or what coffee or energy drink will get the job done…it's really what can I do differently with my time to make it more worthwhile? 

Answer:  Spend time with the One who gave me this time.  I find that on days where my sole purpose is to seek Him and only Him and bring Him glory…I am happier…I'm free…I'm filled with rest and peace.  Make time for your Father.  There will always be plenty of time, regardless of how busy you are or think you are.  Start tomorrow with His words, praise Him in EVERYTHING you do!  Find out what your christian radio station is and keep it on every chance you get.  I PROMISE it'll make the biggest difference in the world.

"Lost time is never found again."

-Benjamin Franklin