Finding Yourself at a Crossroads

"Transformation without work and pain, without suffering, without a sense of loss is just an illusion of true change."  

- William P. Young

What a profound statement!  Currently, I'm reading a book called Crossroads by the author of the quote above.  I truly recommend reading this book, and if you haven't read his other book, The Shack, read that one too!!  Because I don't want to ruin the book at all for you (should you choose to read it), I am not going to talk about it at all...I will only share what this book got me thinking about via the quote above...do read it again! :)

Here we GO!!

Transformation: noun; the change of nature, appearance, form or character.

Simple concept, is it not...at least it seems that way?  But why is it that when we talk about the transformation of our hearts or attitude it becomes seemingly impossible?  Maybe it's because we are not accepting this change openly or wholeheartedly...it isn't true change...its an illusion.

I cannot tell you how many times in church I have sung the ever popular invitation,

"Change my heart, O God,

Make it ever true.

Change me heart, O God,

May I be like you."

We are asking for change.  We are asking for TRANSFORMATION.  And according to the statement, which as you can tell I completely agree with, we are ALSO asking for an almost guaranteed work, pain, and sense of loss.  DO NOT GET ME WRONG...because that may be where I lose some of you...PLEASE keep reading.

I do ask for transformation...every single day that I am alive.  Why?  Because my heart longs for it...to me, being one with Christ and walking in His truth every step of the way is WORTH IT.  My life may look like its easy from the outside.  I have a car, a nice place to live, friends, a loving family, a wonderful boyfriend who also has a loving family, I am almost finished with college.  But don't most things look easy and fine from the outside?  

Yes, I am VERY blessed with everything that I have, but there have definitely been many times of heartache, pain, loneliness, hurt, and struggles.  Most of them have preceded transformation, and let me tell you...I wouldn't change a single bad thing that has happened in my life.  Why?  Because through them I have been transformed.  In some cases I have been made stronger, and in others, I have been made new.  There is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel and there is ALWAYS a silver lining...His name is Jesus. 

My Lord, My God is with me EVERY single step of the way! Through trials...tribulations...rainy days...boring days...busy days...exciting days...and yes, even finals week! :) He is right there, are you ignoring Him or are you holding His hand?  He will NEVER leave your side.  There is not a person on this Earth who can escape His love.  All you have to do is accept it.  He's waiting.  He wants you to come home!

Running to Him in Times of Tragedy

For those of you who do read my blogs, I am truly humbled that you would take the time to hear what a college student has to say...really what the Lord has to say through a college student.  I honestly had every intention of writing a post yesterday and even knew what I was going to write about.  But I was at a loss for words... My heart was full of disbelief, sorrow, pain, and anger.  I know I wasn't alone in feeling this way.  As I sat down like I do every day to write my blog, God laid silence on my heart.  Sometimes I think that's what we need...but in our crazy lives, how many times do we just sit in silence.  This post is far from what I had on my heart before tragedy struck Boston yesterday...so here is what's on my heart regarding yesterday's events.

I really encourage you to listen to this song I have posted today, or at least read the lyrics.  I'll post my thoughts after the lyrics.

Sing Along - Christy Nockels

Click Here to Listen

From babies hidden in the shadows
To the cities shining bright
There are captives weeping
Far from sight
For every doorway has a story
And some are holding back the cries
But there is One who hears at the night

Great God
Wrap Your arms around this world tonight
Around the world tonight
And when You hear our cries
Sing through the night
So we can join in Your song
And sing along
We'll sing along

From the farthest corners of the earth
Still His mercy reaches
Even to the pain we cannot see
And even through the darkness
There's a promise that will keep us
There is One who came to set us free

Great God
Wrap Your arms around this world tonight
Around the world tonight
And when You hear our cries
Sing through the night
So we can join in Your song
And sing along
We'll sing along

So let Your song rise
And fill up the earth
Let Your hope ring out
Let Your heart be heard

Great God
Wrap Your arms around this world tonight
Around the world tonight
And when You hear our cries
Sing through the night
And we will join in Your song
And sing along
We'll sing along

We'll sing along (x6)

Great God
Wrap Your arms around this world tonight
Around the world tonight
And when You hear our cries
Sing through the night
And we will join in Your song
And sing along
We'll sing along

I really don't know what to say.  This world is so broken.  If you don't see just how badly we need to follow Our God right now...you're blind.  If you're offended, I'm really not sorry.  Light offends the Darkness.  God is love, peace, hope, joy....everything this world is in desperate need of.  Our world needs Him.  This song is my prayer.  It truly is.  My first reaction to this was like others...Do I leave my house?  One day, do I bring my own children into this world?  Do we all just run and hide?  The answer is yes...yes...no.  Don't live in fear.  Don't run and hide. Why?  Our God is greater.  God never said life and especially life following Him would be safe...He said it would be worth it.  Do I want my future children to live in such a painful and broken world? Absolutely not...I don't believe God ever wanted us to.  

Our God works for the good of those who follow Him.  He tells us and shows us that so many times in His word.  This act of violence fuels the fire in my soul for sharing His truth.  Instead of running and pushing people away...bring them close.  Love them like Jesus.  Jesus loved those who crucified him.  He tells us to pray for those who persecute them.  Should there be justice? Yes.  But there should be love, forgiveness, and restoration.  I'm not welcoming their destruction and harm...I'm simply saying that is another one of God's creations.  Love them.  Pray for them.  Share Christ with them...with everyone.  Share with your family, your neighbors, your classmates, your teachers, a stranger on the street, a foreigner in another country.  The Great Commission calls us to go.  So go.  He doesn't say "go if it is safe..." He says "Go!" You may not be able to go physically, go in your prayers, in your heart, and in your mind.  Let us build up the body of Christ...make it stronger...make it louder...bring Him glory.

"Father, forgive them for they know not what they do..."  Luke 23:34

"Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning."  Psalm 30:5

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  Romans 8:28

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  Matthew 28:19-20

Healing in His Hands

Another blog post...another song by Christy Nockels.  You surprised?  Here's the deal.  I just got her new CD that I have been dying to get ever since it came out and it's pretty much all that I have been listening to lately!  I believe that God chooses to speak to each of us in our own special ways.  Mine is through music.  If you know me personally, you know that I have a strong passion for the arts, especially music.  Therefore whenever God speaks to me, it's 99.9% of the time through a song that I've heard on the radio, a song I've listened to a million times, or a song that someone randomly shares with me.  This is probably answering your question of why there is almost ALWAYS a song at the end of my blog posts...it's the way the Lord speaks to me and the way that I express my thoughts and feelings.

Anyways...on to what I'm thinking... :)

I don't know about you guys, but whenever I do something wrong or not to the best of my ability, I will sit there and beat myself up over it.  I guess you could say I have a very strong guilt complex and sense of conviction.  Normally this would be a good thing...but when you sit and dwell on the mistakes you've made all of your short comings, its eats away at you.  From what I interpret/understand, it is Satan's way of continuing to pull you farther from Christ.  

So many times I have found myself sulking in my weaknesses instead of running to my loving Father's arms,  I sit there in the darkness of my sin and hide out of shame from my Heavenly Father.  Stop doing this to yourself....He isn't doing it to you.  Here is a real life example.  You all might know by now that I have a Shepard/Lab puppy named Paisley who is coming up on 1.5 years old.  She is such a light and blessing in my life and I'm sure people think I'm a little crazy for admitting it. :)  Well seeing as she is a dog and still in those lovely puppy years, she tends to cross the line every now and then.  

For my birthday almost a year ago, Zack had gotten me these amazing pair of shoes that I had been wanting for forever and I was SO excited.  (Props to him for being a great listener!)  Well one day I came home and found bits of familiar looking fabric spread all throughout my little house.  It took me a minute and looking at her obviously guilty face to realize what she had done.  There in the corner were my brand new shoes (only worn 3 times...might I add) torn to bits.  Hello disappointment!  Then she realized that I figured it out and those ears went back and that tail went between her legs.  Needless to say, she knew I was disappointed.  Paisley knows good and well the difference between my stuff and her toys.  (She tends to be very defiant...maybe God's sending payback for my defiant years through her...oops!)  My point is...I love that dog to death and I care far more about her than a measly pair of shoes.  In some way I think that this shows our Father's love for us.  Nothing Paisley does can make me love her any less.  Did I love those shoes? OF COURSE! But I love my sweet puppy more.  Does God want us to do the right thing? OF COURSE!  But he knows we'll mess up and he loves us any way.

The difference between me and Paisley is that Paisley knows that kind of (unconditional) love and she lives fully in it.  A lot of the times I don't live in Christ's unconditional love for me.  Whenever she messes up, she cowers for a second (obviously her way of saying "Oh snap, Mom, I am SO sorry.  I know better.")  and then she gets over it and embraces the fact that her owner loves her to pieces.  She cuddles with me, she licks my face, she enjoys my love and presence.  Now I know that analogy was quite a long shot...but isn't it true?  How about the next time we mess up and we think there is no way he could forgive us or even still love us, we rest in the fact that he does.  We learn from our mistakes, ask for his forgiveness and fall into His loving and warm embrace.  He loves you and NOTHING you could ever do will EVER separate you from that love.  Rest in it.  Live in it.  Embrace it.

Healing Is In Your Hands - Christy Nockels

Click Here to Listen

No mountain, no valley
No gain or loss we know
Could keep us from Your love

No sickness, no secret
No chain is strong enough
To keep us from Your love
To keep us from Your love

How high? How wide?
No matter where I am
Healing is in Your hands

How deep? How strong?
Now by Your grace I stand
Healing is in Your hands

Our present, our future
Our past is in Your hands
We're covered by Your blood
We're covered by Your blood

How high? How wide?
No matter where I am
Healing is in Your hands

How deep? How strong?
Now by Your grace I stand
Healing is in Your hands

Sing this in faith
In all things we know that
We are more than conquerors
You keep us by Your love
Sing it out in all things

In all things we know that
We are more than conquerors
You keep us by Your love
You keep us by Your love

How high? How wide? Oh, Lord
No matter where I am
Healing is in Your hands

How deep? How deep is Your love?
How strong? How strong is Your love?
Now by Your grace I stand
Healing is in Your hands

All I Need

Man...what a week...well, what a month.  Do you ever just have those weeks or, in my case, those months where you're just stuck in a rut of bad mood, stress, tears, confusion, exhaustion?  Of course you do, we ALL do.  

As I'm preparing to move on to my senior year as an elementary/special education major, the demands are ever increasing.  I do understand that I'm not alone in this one, but this amount of work and stress is definitely not something I was prepared for, nor had I realized would hit me so soon.  I guess you can say I'm being welcomed to the real world with an ever so humbling welcome. 

If you've been around me more than once lately, you've probably noticed my ever-increasing grumpiness and you've probably seen one or more of the following:  tears, anger, panic attacks, hair pulling out, stress eating, stress not eating, etc... It's almost one of those moments where I feel like I'm drowning in my own world but I'm also trying to live in the worlds of my parents, sisters, friends, boyfriend, and yes...even Paisley's world.

Here's the issue.  I feel like sometimes when things get so out of hand and overwhelming we forget things...a lot of things.  We forget that everyone else around us is going through or has been through the same feeling.  We forget how to love those around us by showing patience and a lack of selfishness.  We forget that life moves on whether or not you made your bed or dinner was ready on time.  We forget that we have the BEST lifeguard to pull us from the tossing waves of the ocean of life.  And along with that...we forget that we don't TRULY need any of these things that cause us so much stress and worry...He is truly all that we NEED.  For...as it says in John 15, apart from Him we can do nothing.

Over and over again I have been finding myself saying things like, 

"I NEED more money to do the things I WANT to do."

"I NEED Zack to come home so that I can have my best friend in the same city."

"I NEED to get a perfect score on this assignment."

"I NEED..."

You finish that last one.  We all do it.  But what I have come to realize lately, I don't NEED any of these things.  At all.  I NEED time with my Savior every day.  I NEED to rest in Christ's love for me.  I NEED to stop trying to control my life when He knows exactly what's going to happen.  I NEED to abide in His love, truth, and words every second of every day.  Why?  Because apart from Him I am NOTHING.  Is it wrong to want these things? I don't think so...but is your want for these things an idol?  Are you putting these wants before the One true God that you really do need?  Because that's all they really are...they're merely wants.  

Now, I'm not saying that you can't have anything you want...I'm saying that you have to rest in the fact that God is going to give you everything you need and the more time you spend meditating and praying with your Heavenly Father...the less your wants affect you.  Luckily we have a loving God who delights in our joy and He sends many blessings every day.  But what are your motives when you ask Him for things?  (I promise I'm just as convicted and am no way putting myself above you, reader).  

I've been blessed with numerous job opportunities and loving people who He has used to bless me with work, a place to live, and a homes away from home.  To you all (you know who you are)  I will never be able to have the right words to express my gratitude.  I have been blessed with so many opportunities to spend time with Zack even though He is 200 miles away (only 1 more month)! I have also been blessed with so many family and friends and Godly women who have poured into my life, especially over this past week and have held me accountable and encouraged me.

I'm convicted because some of these things I did ask for out of selfishness...but my God blessed me with them in such a way that said, "I am Your God.  None of this is because of what you have done or will ever do. All of this that I give to you is because of who I am and what I did for You.  You are MY child...I won't let you fall...REST IN ME!"  I don't deserve anything that I have been blessed with over the past few weeks and months or anything from the past 20 years.  I didn't deserve the price He paid for me on that cross so many years ago.  BUT His grace and mercy is enough and it's such a beautiful thing. 

This song is my heart's cry today and every day.  I already have all I need because of Him and who I am in Him.  Let go.  Surrender.  When you realize that He truly is all you need...its a humbling realization.  Plus...You actually realize how blessed you really are.  Christ is the greatest gift we will ever receive.

Already All I Need - Christy Nockels

Click Here to Listen

Asking where You are Lord, wondering where You've been
Is like standing in a hurricane trying to find the wind
Hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am
Is forgetting that your thoughts for me outnumber the sand

You fill the sun with morning light
You bent the moon to lead the night
You clothed the lilies bright and beautiful

You're already all I need
Already everything that I could hope for
You're already all I need
You've already set me, already making me more like you
You're already all I need
Jesus, You're already all I need.
 
Walking through this life without your freedom in my heart
Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart
So remind me of your promises and all that You have done
In this world I will have trouble, but You have overcome
And every gift that I receive, You determined just for me
 
But nothing I desire compares to You
In your fullness, You're my all in all
In your healing, I'm forever made whole
In your freedom, Your love overflows and carries me
You carry me, yes You carry me, You carry me

Steady My Heart

   I haven't posted in a while, but this song is really on my heart today.  Here is the beauty of the way that our Lord loves us.  Things may seem hopeless and you may feel like everything is slipping away from you...like you're spinning out of control...but He is there.  He hold us in the PALM of His hands.  

   I find comfort in the fact that 1. He holds us all the time and 2. that my God is big enough to hold me in the PALM of His hands.  If our God is that big, don't you think He is big enough to take care of our tiny problems...even our big ones?  He is big enough to give us peace, hope, and comfort in times where we feel all alone.  He never leaves us.  He is always there.  

   He knows the big picture...we only see one snapshot.  It's like watching a movie 5 minutes at a time.  He is the director and He knows the final outcome, we only see the 5 minutes at a time.  Maybe we have the same outcome in our minds as He really has planned, He just has a different way of getting there.  His way may be more painful and not so easy, but its the best for us.  His way is always the best way even if it leads to the same place. Praise Him through the storm because the storm He may allow you to go through may lead to the same rainbow. As Christians we are to rejoice in our sufferings/trials of any kind.  In Romans 5:3-5, Paul says: 

"..we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  

   He knows.  Rest in that.  He steadies our hearts when they feel completely shaken and broken.

Steady My Heart - Kari Jobe

Click Here to Listen

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy?
Why is pain a part of us?
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
I'm not gonna worry I know that You've got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You plan

You are here
You're real
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
'Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart
Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
I'm not gonna worry
I know that you've got me
Right inside the palm of your hand

Dry Bones

I hope all of you readers are having a GREAT day today!  "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us REJOICE and be glad in it!!" For this post, I really encourage you to listen to this song and not just read the lyrics.  It's incredible.  So listen to this song, click the link, reflect on the lyrics and THEN read what I have to say?  :)  If you really want to skip the song you can, but I think you're missing out on something awesome!

Awake My Soul - Chris Tomlin ft. Lecrae

(Click Here to Listen)

Breathe on me, breath of God, breathe on me
Breathe on me, breath of God, breathe on me
I come alive, I’m alive when you breathe on me
I come alive, I’m alive when you breathe on me

Awake, awake, awake my soul,
God resurrect these bones
From death to life, for you alone
Awake my soul

Speak to me, word of God, speak to me
Speak to me, word of God, speak to me
I come alive, I’m alive when you speak to me
I come alive, I’m alive when you speak to me

Awake, awake, awake my soul,
God resurrect these bones
From death to life, for you alone
Awake my soul

 Then He said to me,
“Prophesy to these bones and say to them,
Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!
This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones,
I will make breath into you,
And you will come to life.”
So I prophesied as I was commanded.
As I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound,
And the bones came together, bone to bone.
And I looked, and tendons and the flesh appeared on them,
And skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
Then He said to me,
Prophesy to the breath,
Prophesy, son of man, and say to it,
Come from four winds, oh breath, and BREATHE.

Awake, awake, awake my soul,
God resurrect these bones
From death to life, for you alone
Awake my soul

Awake, awake, awake my soul,
God resurrect these bones
From death to life, for you alone
Awake my soul

Yeah, I’m not alone, I realize
I breathe out, I come alive
Your word gives life to my dry bones
Your breath tells death it can ride on
Awake me, make me a living stone,
A testament to your throne, I
I’m nothing without you, I’m on my own
The only one who satisfies my soul

Every single time that I hear this song, I am so incredibly moved by the Holy Spirit.  I choose to listen to it every day as a reminder of who I am and what God has done for me.  His very breath of LIFE lives in me!! What a privilege, what an honor!  This song comes from one of my favorite passages in scripture where the prophet Ezekial is walking through a valley of dry bones.  If you haven't read it, part of it is in the lyrics above!  But the whole story is located in Ezekial 37: 1-14.  

This song honestly brings me to tears whenever I hear it.  Never tears of sadness, but tears of sheer awe and amazement.  Whenever I hear the scripture being read by Lecrae my heart is overwhelmed with such joy and happiness and the reason I wanted you all to listen to it, read it.  When things move me like this, I cannot keep quiet about it!  How amazing is it that we serve a God who is so great and so powerful that he can resurrect broken, dry, and dead bones and bring them to LIFE?! It absolutely blows my mind.  He give us life...he give us breath to breath....Why do I listen to it every day?  Because my prayer every day for myself and everyone is that he will awake MY soul so much that I never become stagnant and dull to His awesome power and glory!

And the BEST part is that with His breath in us, DEATH is defeated and cannot win.  

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

And as my family would say when nothing else can be said about that "#BOOM"

Need You Now

I'm starting this post out with a "funny."  Alright, picture this... You're driving down the road on the way to work, school, whatever and you stop at a red light.  You look in your rear-view mirror and you notice the person behind you actin' a fool.  They are singing their heart out, they got their fist in the air, banging on the steering wheel...Maybe they are so into it that there are a few tears.  THAT'S ME!  Well, I've been told by numerous people that they saw me doing this...EMBARRASSING!  Oh well.  Here is why that story was any kind of relevant.  The song I have posted below is one of those for me.  This time I'm going to let you read the lyrics and/or listen to it BEFORE I give you my two cents about it!

How Many Times (Need You Now) - Plumb

(Click Here to listen)

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

I know that in my last post, I talked about my panic attacks and dealing with those.  I may or may not have mentioned that sometimes they make me physically ill.  Regardless, the panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety are really hard to deal with on a day to day basis.  Its a process.  Its a learning experience, just like my food allergies are.  I have come to the realization that maybe this is my new "normal."  

When I wake up in the morning and I'm queasy for 60% of the day or I'm tired and I don't feel like I can even get out of bed...maybe that is just how my days are going to be.  Am I perfectly okay with that? Not yet, BUT I'm getting there.  When I just don't think I can take it anymore, I think about the words in this song.  How many days does God truly give me the strength to keep breathing, keep moving?  How many times does He give me JUST ENOUGH.  I can't tell you how many times I have prayed, "God PLEASE make me normal...please make me like everyone else...take THIS cup from me."  

Here's a thought:  In the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ called out to God, "Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."  Long shot here, but WHAT IF God had said "Ok Son.  If you really don't want to then I guess I could just let it pass over you."  Do you think Christ in His human form was looking forward to and enjoying dying on that cross?  It was considered cursed to die that sort of death.  It was the worst kind of death you could die.  But He did it.  He died.  He suffered.  HOWEVER, He ROSE again on the third day.

So instead of sitting here and pouting because I have a measly stomach ache...I could say wow...I deserve death and the worst of the worst, BUT Christ took that for ME.  Now I GET to have a stomach ache.  (I'm not saying its a punishment, I'm saying its part of life.)  If this is the worst that I have to go through in Christ's name, may I rejoice in every bit of that specific suffering.  Is is enjoyable, no, but it could always be worse.  God woke me up this morning.  Do I feel 100%, not at all...but I'm alive.  I'm breathing.  I have a family that isn't broken who loves me.  I'm in a country where I can worship my God freely.  I have a man in my life who loves Christ and shows it in how he cares for me.  I have a roof over my head and food in my cabinet.  PERSPECTIVE. 

I felt like this whole post was a ramble...maybe it will make sense.  If it doesn't then here is my point in one/two/more sentence(s):

Instead of begging and begging for things to go our way, let's accept our circumstances and realize that He is in control and He knows what is best and what we need when we need it. Embrace it.  Praise Him through it. We need Him. There is a reason that you are where you are and you are going through or have gone through what you are going through.  Good or bad.  He loves you and is taking every single step with you.