AND GO!
A few days ago God really started doing some amazing things in my life/heart. Throughout the summer I have strayed away from my daily devotions and a good bit of my accountability and I definitely felt it. Now I just wonder exactly why did I let that happen?!
I feel like there are many times in a person's walk with Christ that we hit a type of rock bottom and that as our relationship continues to grow and flourish they become far and few between until there is the complete and utter surrender that we all long for as His children. I would, at this point, consider myself towards the beginning of my walk with Him as I only recently (relatively, that is) grasped what it means to be in a relationship with Him and I'm just a wee baby of 20 so I have so much more growing to do. However, I do feel as if I am growing fast and I really can't express how much joy and excitement that brings me.
Well this past week I would say that I hit a "rock bottom." What with Zack moving away and not working much at all, I've had a ton of extra time on my hands. Most of this time was spent completely horribly...watching TV, scrolling around on the internet (Pinterest/Facebook/Twitter), aka WASTING TIME! Here is where the conviction came. Why was I sitting here being miserable when I didn't have to be alone at all? I could be spending hour after hour with my Father but instead I'm sitting here putting myself in the loneliest place I could be...out of His presence.
Ouch! That one hit me like a ton of bricks. I was excluding myself from time I had wished for many times before... time with my Father that I just didn't seem to have during the past semester. However, I was in a rut and I was lazily hopeless thinking that I just couldn't get out of this rut. It is far easier to sit there and feel sorry for yourself and all of the things that are going wrong in life than to take the one important thing, the only thing that matters, and grow in it. That would be Father's unconditional love and unending faithfulness.
Man, had Satan done a number on me this summer, and the worst part is that I just sat there and let it happen! But how many times do we do that? How many times do we get "comfortable" and get into the habit of life? How many times do we say, "He has always been there, I will spend time with Him later," and we never do. Or how about, " I know He will forgive me so it will be okay to lie or be lazy or neglect my relationship with Him altogether." Here is the answer: FAR TOO OFTEN. This was my wake up call.
This summer has been all about working, making money, having fun with friends, and spending time with Zack before he moved to Jackson. So who has time for the "God thing," right? I mean a daily devotional EVERY day...in the summer? Oh how wrong we are. Money has been really tight for me lately and has caused a fair amount of stress. I found myself bending over backwards and making my own plans in order that I could provide for myself well enough to be comfortable and make it through. Did it work? Yes. Could it have been better? Absolutely!
So during my much needed time alone this past week, God has really opened my eyes to my own stupidity...things I needed to see. I stepped back and I thought about things and realized that all of my thoughts began with..."I'm scared that," "I'm worried that," etc. Instead of casting my fears and burdens on the Lord I was putting them all on my shoulders. It's like going to the grocery store and you fill up the entire shopping cart (I mean, packed!) and when someone (representing God) says, "Let me help you and take care of that," you say, "Nope, my way is better. I can handle it." You're left getting all of those groceries by yourself. Talk about some added stress! You know good and well you can't handle that, and if you can, you're a hot mess when you are done! Why push Him away? Why worry? He has it under control FAR better than you do! Stop worrying how you're going to get through this or that and trust that His good and perfect will for your life will work out! He has your back, He has it all under control, even if you don't!
So with this epiphany (one that frequents me...being a control freak and all...), I let go. I cast it all away and embraced it. One day at a time. Let me tell you though, when you stop hogging the spotlight and let Dad show out...He SHOWS OUT and puts your now obviously pathetic attempts to control your life to serious shame.
Right after I decided to let go and get back on track with what I desired my walk to look life, He did it! He took control and took my breath away. Someone offered to buy one of my paintings for a hefty sum. How much? Just enough to cover all of my textbooks and my groceries for a month. He didn't stop there. Within a few hours I had 2 babysitting opportunities lined up and got really busy at the photography studio. And I felt in my heart my Jesus say to me, "I told you I could handle it. I told you I would take care of you. I told you every thing would be okay. All you had to do was let me back in."
While I"m still facing my own challenges, like we all will, I face them with no fear, no worry, but with confidence and hope.
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock,
in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
Psalm 18:2
Things may not go how you planned them to go. Things may change...they will change. Times will be tough, but our God never changes or fades away. He has you in that comforting and loving embrace. He is reaching out His hand to you...take it. Run towards Him with reckless abandon. He will not let you fall.
He knows your name. He knows your every thought. He sees each tear that falls and He hears you when you call. You don't have to do this on your own. Its not worth it. Give it all to Him. You'll be amazed at what he has planned and in store for you. All you have to do is trust Him.
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