My Real Day to Day

Here I am, my one year wedding anniversary is approaching {YAY} and I was actually packing up moving boxes as we prepare to move into our first home.  As I was wrapping up all of these beautiful wedding gifts and placing them in boxes I enjoyed reflecting on memories of each of the persons that Zack and I have been blessed by not only during our life together, but throughout the years growing up as well.  To all of you that did give us a wedding gift, I really treasure them and those memories I was able to experience the other day.

When I was finished packing up as much as I could without encroaching on our necessities, {apparently the DVD player was a necessity...sorry sweetheart! :)}  I felt AMAZING.  Most of you are probably thinking...um why?  Moving is supposed to be stressful isn't it?!  That's definitely not why I felt amazing because this is all very stressful and overwhelming and I hate putting all of my belongings in boxes and my hands being black from wrapping everything in newspaper.  I felt AMAZING because it wasn't my usual.  At all.

My usual is actual less exciting and a little more surprising.  I'm not very open about my usual and sometimes I play it off with laughs and smiles.  But my usual can be painful.  So blogging world here begins my point.

My every day starts with listening to Zack hit snooze 4 times and eventually pushing him out of the bed so he isn't late...literally.  I then fall back asleep and wake up when I feel like it, usually around 8:30 or 9.  Then I roll over, grab my phone and check Facebook, Instagram, Website stats, about 15-25 emails, TimeHop {love that app}, Facebook again, Instagram again, Zulily, then the weather.  I can feel the judgement...it gets worse.  Paisley then pulls me out of bed...almost literally and we go eat breakfast, dog food for her, smoothies or pancakes for me.  We curl up on the couch together and watch the Today Show, the Live with Kelly & Michael, then Channel 5 News, Flip My Food, and an HBO movie.  Somewhere in there I eat lunch, maybe a salad or leftovers from the night before.

It's 3:00 which means it's time for Ellen, and then it's 4:00 so I watch the news again, and then OH SNAP let me clean up so it looks like I wasn't this lazy when Zack gets off work.  The door unlocks and he is home so I start cooking dinner, we eat, we watch our nightly show, chit chat, then clock strikes 10:30 and it's time for bed.    AND REPEAT.


Now I KNOW you are thinking, you are literally the laziest person I know...and you know what I could very well be lazy.  But the sad and scary part is, I hate every second of it because it's not driven by not wanting to do anything.  It's driven by the fact that I have struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember.  The counseling and medication started probably 14 years ago and it's been a long bumpy road since.  Now I have been on and off medicine, and I have good years and bad years.  If you have this terrible disease you know what I'm talking about.

A few months ago I hit an all time low.  I was having panic attack that were causing sharp chest pains, extreme fatigue, and some days, I literally struggled to breathe.  This is when the above quoted routine kicked in.  It took me months to realize what was going on.  But I finally went for help after almost having to go to the ER for not getting enough oxygen.  Three doctors and a lot of nervous energy later, what's the culprit??  Anxiety and depression...why was I even shocked?  Because I was in denial.  Who wants to admit that? Who wants to be medicated for that?  No one.  It's that simple.  No one.

But it's better.  It's brighter.  I spent the other day packing moving boxes.  I spent today cleaning out my garage for my sweet Zack.  I do yoga on Tuesday nights.  I got a new part time job to get me out of the house when photography can't.  I have a ladies bible study, and a 20 something's bible study for Zack and I.  It's great.  It's still hard.  Making the step to get out of bed is easier.  Turning off the TV and finding something new is easier.  It's still a struggle.  It probably always will be, but it's easier.  I can breathe.  I have support from 3 different groups of wonderful Godly people.  I am married to a man who has to pull me through life some days, but he does it so graciously.  {If any of you need advice or help being married to someone like this...ask him.  He is an answered prayer.}

My God is so good and He has done so much for me through moving to Olive Branch and through the simple tasks of packing boxes and cleaning a garage.  If He can get me off the couch, He can move you too.  SO here is to change, here is to life, here is to love, and here is to loving life...even when it's hard to even get up.

P.S.  This change in me inspired me to really change....my hair!  I said adios to 8-10 inches, I don't know, and it feels AMAZING. :)